All along, deep in my heart, I dreaded the person I would become after Mum’s passing. And yes, I am not the same person anymore. How could I be? The one I loved so deeply and the one I held in such high regard is no longer on this earth to talk to or to laugh with even to lean on.
Every second, every minute that passes reminds me that she is not here and I’m left to embrace this new reality. It is strange that what I feared so much happened and yet I’m no longer as scared as I once was. I now see how fragile life is and that at any time I can die or someone I love can die.
And yet losing that one big fear has left me fearing everything and anything else because honestly! What is the worst that can happen? Sometimes I wonder if all of this is simply preparing me for the worst! And yes, every time I think about it, I feel myself becoming so small, shrinking under the weight of a reality too big to hold.
What angers me is how life just… goes on. How the world keeps spinning, people keep talking and routines continue as if nothing has happened. People say you will “learn to live with the pain” but how do you learn to live with the pain and remain the same person? You don’t. You change.
That is what death does. It reshapes you. It strips away illusions of permanence. It makes you see life for what it truly is; unpredictable, messy and fleeting. Yet, it also teaches you a strange kind of strength. You realize you are still standing even though you thought you would crumble.
What I feared most happened! Shockingly I’m still here, carrying the ache, learning to breathe through it and becoming someone new in the process. Someone both smaller and stronger all at once.
TUHAME ❤️
