Living With The Versions of Mum

Dear Mum,

I often wonder what life would be like if you were still here. And here are three versions of this in my mind;

The first version is where you are here, healthy, happy and living life the way you used to before you got diagnosed with cancer. What makes me love this version so much is that you had just started retirement and we had planned that you would be visiting all of us in turns. I see you spending time with your grandchildren as they cook for you, just like you always wanted. I imagine you enjoying your favorite fruits and good food. Oh Mum, your love for delicious, well prepared meals shining through. Then your cooking skills were unmatched and I see you in the kitchen, guiding us, laughing and tasting every dish with that approving smile. Oh, how I wish this version were real!

Then, there’s the second version; The one I believed in until the day before you went to meet the Lord. In this version, you are still here but fighting cancer. My mind and soul spend hours in this place, filled with all the things we would have done, the what ifs, then the hypothetical situations and even tests that we would have done together with the treatment options that don’t exist yet. I see you taking all the food supplements diligently, drinking your juices and smoothies, eating those vegetables and salads alongside your boiled food all to boost your immunity. The tests almost every week and the medication you took so willingly, then the Chemotherapy sessions where you were always connecting with fellow patients, nurses and doctors who had somehow become like family. I see the cells responding, going back to normal, your body glowing and growing stronger each day. There is so much hope here and my mind creates many and new scenarios where, in the end, you are still here.

And then, there is the third version; Where you fought and beat cancer. In this version, I have written books about your journey and you hold workshops to inspire others, teaching them how you overcame it. I remember we prayed for more years to be added to your life and in this version, I see us starting a care center for cancer patients! Oh, my mother, this is the best place to be. I see you talking, encouraging and teaching; something you did with so much passion and effortlessly. You had a way with people, a charm that made everyone listen and fall in love. But in this version, I also carry regret, I only wish that I had done the course of care way earlier and maybe things would have been different. But I hope this knowledge will guide me now, even in your absence. I remember, you saying that in another life, I would be a doctor. Maybe I still will. My interest in health was born because of you and perhaps, in some way, it will always be my way of honoring you.

Neither of these versions is real and there is only one truth: that you had cancer and your heart stopped beating (just like your doctor would put it). It is the version which my mind resists the most. Unfortunately, it is my reality for the rest of my life and its so painful that my heart aches.

The only consolation I have is knowing that I spent your last days with you and that your final moments were in my hands. Maybe it was God’s love. The same love you gave us in abundance that made Him want you for Himself. I want to say that but then I wonder; “Didn’t God see that we still needed you?” I wish I could say that we still needed you, but what do I know about God and death? It feels as though He took part of me with you.
And if it was truly God’s will, who am I to say no? I will carry these versions of you in my heart forever. Though you are gone, your love continues to guide me every day even when its tough and hard. I will live with this pain and emptiness but I will also live with the love you gave us unconditionally, endlessly and forever.

TUHAME❤️